For whatever reason, I never published two posts from 2-3 years ago. Now that I’m older and wiser, my mantra is put it out there before you’re ready ~or~ when you’re so far removed from it that you don’t care.

and to every woman who, whether married or unmarried, does not let their relationship status define them.

I am at last and once again inspired to organize my thoughts about something for which I feel extreme passion: Telling people with opinions about my personal life to fuck off. This is of course after I have a little existential crisis, cry, and obsessively call some close girlfriends to make sure I’m not a huge loser who sucks at life.

Let’s start with a monologue spoken by Frances McDormand in my all-time favorite movie: Something’s Gotta Give. Diane Keaton is a divorced mother of one and is too busy and uptight for love. Her hesitant romantic counterpart (Jack Nicholson) is a sixty-something wealthy Playboy who dumps women when they see 30. Once Jack’s character gets over himself and his fear of baggage (what most would call life experience), they fall in love. Quelle Suprise!

This is really fascinating, what’s going on at this table. Let’s take you and Erica. You’ve been around the block a few times. What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse. You’d be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you. Celebrate your never marrying. You’re elusive and ungetable, a real catch.

Then, there’s my gorgeous sister here. Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann? She’s over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something—forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin. The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men— especially older men— are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women.

It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as fucked a group as can ever exist.

It all started with a phone call from an important male figure in my life, who decided today he was going to wake up and let me know that he’s worried about me because I’m 29, not in a serious relationship, and am not making it my life’s mission to be. In this conversation (trigger warning), I was told something that caught me off-guard: “A girl who’s 35 and never married or engaged looks crazy to men… but you still have some time”.

K.

So first off, let’s look at the type of man who is in the dating market (single, hopefully) yet would write off a 35 year old woman who has never married. It’s her baggage, right? She’s probably crazy. If she has a cat, forget it; She’s a lost cause. This is what I assume to be the thought process that has single men with no self-reflection skills asking a woman: “So, why are you single?”. Why are you, bro?

If it’s so unhinged for me to be 29 and in no rush to be married nor race for motherhood, why are some of my all-time favorite successful celebrity women unmarried over 30? Rihanna. Lana Del Rey. OPRAH. DIANE KEATON. CHARLIZE THERON.

Why was Amal Clooney’s husband revered for his longtime bachelordom? Did she obsessively ask George, “So why are you single?” as she shyly sipped from her cocktail over their first dinner date? Did George have to explain how he hasn’t found the right person, he was spending time working on himself, and his career accolades? What does the Venn Diagram look like for the gaggle of bros who believe that women who have never previously married by 35 are crazy, versus the group of stale ass men who are also currently single at 35 who believe that single women with a divorce and/or children by 35 are considered to have too much baggage?

My father, who in his own words married until he got it “right” (four times), told me something that all women should be told: You are not defined by what comes out of your womb. I do not have to get married or have children in order to achieve success.

“Slim pickings”

My life is not musical chairs. When you remove the competitive aspect from the game, all you’re fighting over is a chair. The Bachelor, much?

Married men statistically speaking live longer, while a woman’s life expectancy — married or unmarried — does not change. Personally, this fact tells me that we aren’t the ones who need marriage.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

“I suppose you are real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

—Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit

What do Black Lives Matter, Planned Parenthood, GoFundMe, ActBlue, Campaign Zero, and an anonymous spring-loaded tube of confetti dicks have in common?

They are all going to be on my next Capital One statement. Do I get triple points for revenge pranks?

Do you remember five months ago when people kept captioning their Instagram photos with “2020 Vision” to ring in the new year? Yeah, about that.

Kobe Bryant and his 13 year old daughter were among those killed in a helicopter crash. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle stepped away from Buckingham Palace. Trump was voted for impeachment, and then acquitted. Joe Exotic and Carol Baskin became household names. A pandemic swept the globe, with America taking #1 spot for both Most Unprepared and Most COVID Deaths. This prompted stay-at-home orders, which prompted some Americans to show up in groups near Capitol buildings all over America, armed not with face masks, but with AK-47s and bullet-proof vests. Their mission? To fight for the reopening of hair salons and restaurants. You know, the pillars of Americana.

We learned about the murder of 25 year old Ahmaud Arbery two months after he was gunned down while jogging. The two civilians who committed the murder were living free without consequence until the country made noise, created petitions, and organized local protests to bring about formal charges. 26 year old Breonna Taylor was shot at least eight times while she was asleep in her bed, by three police officers who had a no-knock arrest warrant for a different individual. There are still no formal charges brought to those officers. We then saw a viral video of a woman weaponizing her whiteness, willing herself into the role of victim while reporting Christian Cooper to the police for requesting she leash her dog, while simultaneously choking it in the process. “I’m calling the cops… I’m going to tell them there’s an African American man threatening my life.”

And then there was George Floyd. The tragic reminder of a similar instance from Eric Garner‘s arrest and dying statement to police in 2014: “I can’t breathe”. This was the last straw. Surveillance footage shows Floyd complying with the officers, only minutes later shown via cell phone video on his stomach in handcuffs with an officer’s knee on his neck. He pleaded for nearly nine minutes with anyone who would listen that he could not breathe while three other officers looked on without making a single attempt to intervene. Or so has been reported, as I cannot watch these videos. And there are so. many. videos. The first autopsy was botched, and the initial police report stated Floyd was resisting officers. The second autopsy came only after public outrage. Why do we need to disrupt peace in order to obtain due justice for black people in America?

The Perfect Storm

Poor handling of a global health emergency with a death toll over 100,000 Americans and counting. Nearly 40 million jobs lost. Little-to-no governmental assistance for individuals enduring a one-two punch of health and job crises. A trifecta of injustice and inaction by government officials and law enforcement.

So, people gathered. Petitions were created, marches were organized. There’s just one thing that protests for the unequal treatment and murder of black Americans by police have that protests for the opening of Walmart and Home Depot don’t have: Law enforcement’s inherent fear and racism towards black people.

All 50 US states have seen protests for Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd. Nationwide protests have recorded undercover cops damaging buildings and inciting violence. Uniformed cops have been recorded teargassing groups of otherwise peaceful protesters and shooting rubber bullets at point-blank range. People are being permanently maimed and dying from their injuries. Cops are pouring out gallons of bottled water and destroying state-approved medical tents, which is a principle protected under the Medical Neutrality act created during the Geneva Convention. The fact that we even have a need for medical tents from police violence during protests is unfathomable for many countries.

What was that about the tube of spring-loaded confetti dicks?

I’m glad you asked. Doxxing is the Internet-based practice of researching and publicly broadcasting private or identifying information about an individual or organization. A subset of Cancel Culture, if you will, and it’s the modern-day, social media equivalent of Darwinism. You know, survival of the fittest? On the internet, it’s survival of those who don’t display acts of racism and brutality. I was the one who sent you that spring-loaded confetti dick bomb, Aaron Torgalski.

There’s Levels to This

Let’s see where we are in our ranking of Allyship, shall we?

The Proud Trump Supporter in 2020

You’re anti-Ally. If the hierarchy of Allyship was a building, you’d be in the basement. It’s bad enough that you supported Trump through 2014, 2015, and voted for him in 2016, but after experiencing his reign for three and a half years, you’re still on his side. You’ve been a party to witnessing countless Trump Administration members quitting/being fired/being sentenced to prison, and denouncing him and his administration afterwards. You’ve seen how his inflammatory comments ignite acts of Islamophobia and racism reminiscent of the Era of Segregation, and yet here you are, continuing to adamantly support him. You definitely won’t be reading this.

The “All Lives Matter” White

You’re at Level Zero of Allyship. You may have been raised this way and you haven’t surrounded yourself with anyone who thinks differently. You and the prior group overlap just about 100%. All lives matter, right? You’re probably aging rapidly. You say “Bye Felicia” in 2020, unaware of its origin. You call movies with two or more black characters “Black Movies”. You don’t see color, and don’t give a damn if someone is white, black, green or purple. While you don’t necessarily agree with Black Lives Matter because All Lives Matter, you’ve also probably posted Blue Lives Matter somewhere on social media. When you see two black people sitting at a Starbucks, or a black family barbecuing in a public park, or an 8 year old black girl selling bottled water on the sidewalk without a permit, something just does not sit right with you. This is your space. A man asks you to put a leash on your dog in a park where you’re required to have a leash on your dog. Who told him he can talk to me like that?

So you call the cops just to make sure everything is Kosher. It’s your civic duty as a white person to ensure black people are following the laws.

Just a few weeks ago you may have joined your friends in protesting a highly communicable disease. You may have yelled in the faces of a few cops standing in the way of you and that empty state building. You didn’t really have a game plan, anyway. You have the right to go to crowded bars and get your roots touched up, and the Constitution protects that right. While you were busy toting assault weapons, vests, and bullets while standing within inches of a police officer’s face, you were not afraid. You have no reason to be, cops have never bothered you.

Now you see the news and are appalled that there are people breaking glass windows and stealing things from insured businesses. You see cops spraying tear gas and rubber bullets, which is fine by you. They deserve it. Like your own president tweeted: “When the looting starts, the shooting starts.” They should protest peacefully like Martin Luther King Jr.

If this is you, stop calling 9-1-1 and read these articles about how Police Data Reveals stark racial discrepancies in social distancing enforcement across New York City, and how Minneapolis Police Use Force Against Black People at 7 Times the Rate of Whites. Keep in mind, this is just one city–and it’s 60% white. If you think the New York Times is fake news, maybe read the CDC study about how the Coronavirus current data suggest a disproportionate burden of illness and death among racial and ethnic minority groups.

If all lives truly matter to you, you’d donate to Black Lives Matter. Also, since there is still a pandemic and it’s affecting black people at a disproportionate rate, sign the petitions and consider donating to demand racial data be reported on Coronavirus statistics.

The “Martin Luther King Jr wouldn’t have wanted this” White

Ah, the White Moderate. You’re still at Ground Zero of White Allyship. You applaud and cheer when cops policing protests partake in kneeling propaganda. You squeal with delight and clap your hands as you say, “See? Not all cops are bad!” You’re easily impressed. While you agree that black people should not be beaten and/or murdered by individuals who take an oath to protect and serve, you disagree on the steps taken to implement societal change. Frankly, you can’t be bothered. You understand there’s injustice, however, what are you going to do? You’re just one person, and this is all such an inconvenience to you. When is brunch?

Your inactivity is silence, and that silence essentially boils you down to being compliant with the All Lives Matter group. The only difference between you and them is that you’re not calling the cops, but you’re not stopping them either.

Want to be better than one step above a lady who calls the cops because black people are having a barbecue? Do you just wish protesters would stop with the infrastructure damage? Watch and listen to Kimberly Jones break it down for you. Also, because we’re all bored of you using the same tired Martin Luther King Jr. quotes, go ahead and read 9 MLK Quotes the Mainstream Media Won’t Cite.

MLK was widely hated among his white contemporaries. Let’s not forget: Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated for organizing peaceful protests and striving for racial equality in America. My wild guess is that if you were his contemporary, his tactics would not have been acceptable enough for you, either.

While you’re out at brunch not wearing a mask as Coronavirus is still alive and well (gross), why don’t you consider splitting a donation between 70+ community bail funds, mutual aid funds, and racial justice organizers via ActBlue. It’s like bottomless Mimosas without the splitting headache.

The “I’m not racist, I have a black friend/child/spouse/partner/grandchild” White

I cannot say it better than this:

You consume, benefit from, and may even profit off of black culture, yet when it’s time to speak up, you’re silent. Or you do the bare minimum. You may even hold harmful racial prejudices. You are part of the  problem, and your work is not done just because you have a black counterpart. Hate to break it to you–you’re still down in the basement, you just have a black friend/child/spouse/partner you’re dragging down with you.

If this hits home for you, why don’t you open up your purse and donate to The Movement for Black Lives.

The Performative White

Also see: “I went to Africa on a church mission trip and held a black child for a photo”

You posted a black square on Instagram for #BlackoutTuesday. You donated once and posted the screenshot to twitter. If you lived in LA, this would be you. You don’t want to feel left out, so you post a white hand holding a black hand with a caption saying: “There’s only one race. The Human Race” on your Instagram. This makes you feel really good. Now can I post my brunch photos?

This is called Virtue Signaling.

If you find yourself here and want to do better, this is a good starting place. You already look the part! But unless you make some more effort, you are right in with the last few groups. AKA–still in the basement. You still have some way to go, and you can start by learning and understanding why black Americans are nearly three times more likely to die from police than white Americans or why black women are three to four times more likely to die from pregnancy-related causes than white women. These reasons are systemic racism. Those people in the “White Lives Matter” and “MLK Wouldn’t Have Wanted This” camp go into the government and medical field professions, and they interact with and treat black people. Your job is to challenge yourself, your family members, and your friends when they say something that sounds an awful lot like racism, whether covert or overt. If you don’t, you are being passive and what does that equal? Compliance.

Since you love social media, why don’t you donate to a cause a lot of people may not have heard of so you can post about it to your followers? You will be teaching people about organizations they may not have heard of, all while looking like you discovered them & care. You little trendsetter, you. 

The White Ally

Plot Twist! There are actually no levels of true Allyship: You’re either in or you’re out. You’re either a true ally in the building, constantly learning and challenging yourself, the system, and the people who surround you, or you’re complicit with the structural system of racism on which America was built.

If you’re an Ally, you’re probably making people uncomfortable and even pissing some people off. Great! The ones who are uncomfortable are content with how everything is right now, because they are–whether knowingly or unknowingly–fine with benefiting from systemic racism in America. These people cannot be true allies unless they acknowledge, address, and understand why and how they were born into a place of privilege, solely because of the color of their skin. The awareness is only half of the problem: You have to desire and take steps to be the change you want to see.

Being a good ally means you aren’t making this about you. You are empathetic to the voices of black people, and you aren’t just hearing–you’re listening. You aren’t getting annoyed or angry when someone says Black Lives Matter. You already know the odds are stacked in your favor. You’re sensitive to how black people must be feeling, because you cannot begin to understand what it’s like to see someone who looks like you murdered by those who took an oath to protect and serve. You have seen people who look just like you be taken peacefully into police custody and tried by a jury for committing mass murder. You were never coached as a child to be respectful to a police officer because the opposite may cost you your life. While you’re practicing empathy, you’re not doing awkward things like sending your black acquaintances check-in texts asking them how they’re doing or sending them money to show you are sorry. Being a good ally means you’re doing your best to educate your friends or family who don’t understand why a little infrastructure damage is nothing compared to lost lives at the hands of systemic racism. It means you’re using your privilege to step in and de-escalate when you see an injustice in real time.

Being a good ally means that you’re emailing and calling congress, you’re signing petitions, you’re sharing ways to help on social media. You’re disrupting news stories that are watering down protest coverage in favor of law enforcement. You’re spamming police precincts and demanding the investigation and firing of officers involved in police brutality. You’re learning what Defunding the Police Actually Means. You are putting your money where your values are, and donating money to organizations you believe in (Like Black Visions Collective). You’re partaking in the protests to join the cause, not to take photos for Instagram. You’re a regular Jane Elliott in the making (Click here if you have an extra 53 minutes).

How can I be a better Ally?

Learn about Jim Crow, Redlining, the Reagan Era, and the origins of police patrol (Hint: police were developed to keep slaves from escaping and rebelling).

Know that there were and still are many facets of American law and society that ensure black people have a harder time surviving socioeconomically and physically in this country. Pay attention when a black person is telling you how they feel. Utilize Google. Learn about microaggressions, and vow to do better if you find yourself using them.

It is not enough to be not a racist, because as a white person you are benefiting from a governmental and societal system of policies in place that have put us light-years ahead of black people. We were born many steps ahead, no matter our socioeconomic upbringing.

You may have a long way to go until you reach John Brown status, but keep your foot on the gas.

Still not sure where to start? How about here: This ADHOC article on A List of Ways You Can Stand In Solidarity with the Black Community is an incredibly helpful resource.

Don’t let a pandemic / civil rights / government reform movement let us forget about June being Pride Month

The life expectancy of a black trans woman living in the US is 35 years old, with murder being the number one cause of death. Donate to the Marsha P Johnson Institute. Learn about 9 Black LGBTQ organizations to support right now.

PS – sign this petition and this one to put an end to Lindsey Graham’s “Earn It” Act which would make all private conversations you and I have available for government surveillance.

Defund the Police,

▽ ap